Archive for May, 2006

Ignoble Living Conditions

May 31, 2006

I sleep between towers of cardboard boxes piled a meter high. I have all sorts of paper strewn everywhere. If trees can walk and if trees can scream, I’ll be going deaf by their shrill, heartbreaking screams as they witness the carnage in my room. They scream desperately, knowing that one day they could end up being my pink, flowery, hand-decorated notebook that gets filled up everyday (almost pathologically) with all sorts of irrelevant details.

I could have saved an entire forest if it weren’t for my notebook-toting, diary-writing, newspaper-clipping habits.

Moving is such a waste of material stuff and I hate it, but some things just have to be done and I end up throwing away perfectly good plastic binders just because, well, I don’t want to use a binder now inscribed with the words “Chemistry.”

It will all end with a bang this Saturday. Until then, I will continue to sin.


Ignoble Confessions

May 29, 2006

I confess that:

  1. I have athlete’s foot (actually, yes, feet.)
  2. I haven’t been applying my medication frequently enough, and so it’s not really getting better.
  3. And now he‘s got athelete’s foot too!!

I’m terrible!!!

“No Way!!”の森?

May 26, 2006


仕事が終わったあと、ポンギヒルズのワインバーでお一人様のくせに白ワインなんか飲んじゃったりしながら、約1時間半で読破した。ノルウェイの森(上)」はあんなに時間をかけて丁寧に文章ごと味わいなが ら読んでいたのに、(下)に突入するとともにほとんど流し読みしてしまった。ものすごいスピー ドで読んだため、ショッキングな箇所もものすごい速さで私の脳裏を通過した。しかし、あとでよくよく考えてみると、随分乱暴なストーリー展開だよなぁ!! と思わざるにはいられない。だって、いきなり死んじゃうし、すぐ寝ちゃうし。



May 24, 2006









「 うーん…。きれいなお花だよって言う、かな?」






Amazing Dumbness of Youth

May 24, 2006

Moving is necessarily preceded by packing, but it’s still a royal pain. I hate myself for retaining so many books — unread books. 10 boxfuls already, just counting fiction. Shelves in bookcases are buckling under the weight of overripe knowledge.

It’s an exquisite pain to pack everything up and carry them to my Vita Nova, but the option of not taking them with me is absolutely unthinkable.

Then there is that other (rather masochistic) pain of going through one’s old journals and diary entries, some dating back to high school — quite horrid, actually. Before I toss this particular diary into the fire, allow me to quote the amazing dumbness of my youth.

Diary entry
Wednesday 11/11/1993

At 3, everyone met in lobby then went to Tamabochi-eki; boarded on train, went to Mitaka to change to 快速; rode it all the way to Tokyo. Had 30 minutes to buy stuff/hang around station (buy お弁当, 飲み物, etc.) then got on the 東北新幹線 <やまびこ 53号>. At first I absolutely didn’t know noone. [Cringe Point #1]. Then I sort of got to know A, B, C, & D. I rode the shinkansen w/後者2名. 新幹線は盛岡行き。 Took about 5:00 から 8:30.

I mostly slept all the way. I ate my お弁当, which was おにぎり×3とかきとやきとりの缶 (which I didn’t eat), と coffee. Then we got on a 貸切り観光バス。 Took 1 1/2 hours. The town is dead; not many people, no trafic. NOT lively. [Duh!!] Sky is covered by black (dark) clouds, the moon (full) is みえかくれしてる。 When the bus got into the mountains, the sky cleared up a little, and then black edifices and outlines of [some major manga doodling here] trees can be seen outside. The moon glows overhead; the air is cold and crisp. It is quiet on the bus (since most people are sleeping). Far out in the distance, little dots [dots!?] of lights are seen (houses?). Overall a totally different — almost sacred/holy world apart from the bustling streets of Tokyo. I wonder what I’ll see tomorrow in day light?

I remember this trip quite well. I was miserable. Not just because I didn’t know anyone else who went with me, but because I couldn’t make new friends. In a word, I was a reject, the total loner of the pack. I was perpetually filling the pages of my stupid notebook with vapid descriptions or hollow joys, precisely because no one much cared for my company. Except maybe the chaperon who seemed to afford me special attention because of my weak social standing, for which I hated him all the more. I was fat then. And ugly, quite a pathetic young thing — the kind you see on public transportation and quietly feel sorry for.

The writing tells it all, and it’s all so very painful — next to my endless manga scribbles are desperate resolutions such as, “I’m going to get prettier!” and “I am going on a diet — lose 10 pounds.”

Even if you offer me a gadzillion dollars, I would never, ever, ever want to go back to being my old, weak, sulky self.

Lines to Live By

May 23, 2006

I tend not to “understand” poems. I merely suffice to “feel” them.

Once in a while there comes an extremely precious poem and turns my life topsy-turvy. Their words have such power over me; they provide me with a new way of interpreting life. They forge a sort of a bridge between my life — my petty, undocumented life, and the rest of the lives out there that construe Life in General, with the common denominator being (for me) pain. Or, more accurately, memories of pain and how we overcame.

I have always loved Louise Gluck‘s award-winning collection, “The Wild Iris”; now I have found a gem in her later book, “Vita Nova.” That gem is titled “Unwritten Law.”

I’d hate to infringe on copyright laws, so it’s really best for you to buy the book and savor it on your own — but… Here’s a small portion of the lines I live by, lines I return to when I need my angry spirit to settle, like dregs, down to the very bottom of the wine bottle and remain there as crystalized truths:-

Interesting how we fall in love:
in my case, absolutely. Absolutely, and alas, often — …

… But in you I felt something beyond the archetype —
a true expansiveness, a buoyance and love of the earth
so utterly alien to my nature. To my credit
I blessed my good fortune in you.
Blessed it absolutely, in the manner of those years.
And you in your wisdom and cruelty
gradually taught me the meaningless of that term.


(Reproduced in part without permission)

Soon, my own Vita Nova will begin.


May 21, 2006



  1. 金曜日。私が勝手に風邪をひいて寝込む。「殿」とは会えずじまい。
  2. 土曜日に計画していた池袋デートもおじゃんに。 *しかし* 「殿」はひとりでわざわざジュンク堂まで行って、私がインターネット注文しておいた書籍を家まで届けてくれたのだ!よって、ひなご機嫌。夜ゴハンを一緒に食べに行く。
  3. が、日曜日も家で安静していろと言われ(あたりまえ)、とりあえず部屋のかたづけやなんやかやをしていたものの、さみしくて会いたくてどうしようもなくなる。
  4. よって、日中くだらないことで何回も何回も電話する。
  5. よって、「殿」もいいかげん機嫌が悪くなり、以後ふたりで暗~いムードになりながらお互いの性格の不一致について意見を交わす。


私はとにかく「殿」と一緒にいないとさみしいのだ!!一緒になれるときをひたすら待ってしまうから、そのときまでは自分が不完全に思えてしまう。ひ とりではなんにも手がつかなくなってしまう。…て、これって実は「今」に集中できていないからなんだろーか?今、目の前にあることに没頭できれば、先のこ とを考える必要も余裕もなくなるはず。今という瞬間を楽しんでいれば、未来への漠然とした恐怖感も薄れるというわけで。


雑念①: キース・ジャレットのうなり声って、やっぱ気になる。
雑念②: 手がガサガサで痛かゆい。
雑念③: 手のクリームどこ?
雑念④: 部屋がきったねーなー。
雑念⑤: 明日は何時に起きるんだっけ?
雑念⑥: こんなことしてる場合じゃなくて部屋片付けなきゃ。
雑念⑦: つーか、雑念を考え出そうとしてること自体が雑念なワケで。…

こないだヨガの先生にも指摘されちゃったんだけど、私の思考はふよふよ~っとどっか全然関係ない方向に飛んでいきたがるクセがあるらしい。それで集中で きないもんだから何も達成できずに終わっちゃって、悔しいから現実逃避して夢みたいなコトばっかり考えるようになって、ますます現実の努力を怠ってしま う、と。



May 21, 2006

I’ve never had this happen to me before, but the book I’ve been reading has gone AWOL. I had enough of a hard time trying to finish up “Norwegian Wood” by Haruki Murakami: towards the beginning of the end when Murakami starts unravelling his mentally frail characters, I felt myself synchronizing with the mentally frail characters in a potentially dangerous manner. So, in a rare moment of sanity, I stopped reading the book for a while. And now, when the time has ripened for me to take it up again, the book is nowhere to be seen.

Why is it that I keep losing things these days, anyway? Am I becoming ditsier by the day?

Contrary to what many of my friends say about Murakami, I think he’s a fine, delicate writer. Perhaps the English translation does not do justice to his urbane, sensitive, suave-60’s sort of prose.

He was definitely worth the read — just not worth getting depressed over.

Has some godly (or ungodly) power deemed it fit that I don’t finish reading that book? I can’t quite make myself go on and start on another novel. Perhaps a nonfiction is easier to dive into at this point, but the book I’ve been meaning to read cannot be found in any bookstore I’ve been to in the past two weeks. Not that there aren’t other books at home I haven’t read — there are mountains of them — but I do like to feel a certain sense of connection and meaning between books. Like books calling to other books. Sort of like how power stones bring other stones together.

東京小旅行 Part2 (ミジメな終焉)

May 18, 2006












その夜、悔恨の情に駆られ、 溶連菌(?)に蝕まれながら、発熱。なんとミジメな小旅行の結末か。


May 17, 2006



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