Home Alone With A Stinkin’ Roach

September 18, 2006

The scariest thing on earth: cockroaches.

The scariest thing about living alone: Having to deal with cockroaches.

The scariest thing that just happened to me: Sending a morbid, HUGE, bad-ass cockroach to its death down a toilet bowl.

My hands are still shaking, and I feel feverish. I can’t think of anything more physically intimidating than a big black cockroach head-on, inching closer and shaking its antennae toward me in mockery. I fear them with a fear so pure it makes my whole apartment turn into hell the moment I see one — and I spotted one an hour ago, surrepticiously climbing up my white lace curtains in the kitchen. I saw it; I panicked. A primordial instinct told me to get hell out of my apartment, but where can I go at 11pm on a Sunday? The thought of re-entering the apartment with fear and trembling wasn’t exactly enticing either.

So I opted to look for a can of insecticide — and soon realized I’ve got none. Shit! So I managed to roll up a wad of old newspaper and returned cautiously to the kitchen, by which time The Cockroach had summited my curtain and had proceeded to scoping out my kitchen, twitching its tentacles every which way and moving in unexpected little jerks.

I was genuinely terrified. The Cockroach was now perched high above my head. And then, just as I was gingerly making a move toward the curtain, THE COCKROACH FLEW TOWARD ME.

I think my heart stopped beating. I don’t remember what happened, but the next moment found me sprawled on the kitchen floor and screaming. The thought that The Cockroach could actually be ON me was more than I could bear — I wanted to die. But I was alone in the apartment and noone would ever come to my rescue, so I had to will myself to scramble up and dash into the dining room for safe cover. When I turned toward the kitchen again, I saw that The Cockroach had conquored my oven mittens that hung on the kitchen wall above my dish rack. So at least it didn’t land on me (I really would have died if it did) but NOW what am I going to do?

Mental note: Must throw away contaminated mitten on trash day. Physical action: Called Chris on his cell-y for help.

From there, it took another excruciatingly frustrating 30 minutes for me to capture the The Cockroach alive, transfer it to the bathroom, and send it to its death down the toilet bowl — with lots of emotional support and tactical advice from Chris. Why all this hassle? Because as much as I wanted to get rid of that thing, I was’t about to smush it on my kitchen wall and end up having to deal with the mess later. Gross!!! The only other conceivable solution was to flush it down the toilet. The plan involved one empty milk carton, one wadded-up newspaper, a bathtub cleansing spray (something, ANYthing to temporarily maim the evil thing!!). The Cockroach scampered onto the oven top in the kitchen and clambered all over my bottles of lotions and creams in the bathroom before it disappeared under foamy toilet water. Good riddance! I believe in non-violence, but this was purely a defensive act.

I thought writing about it would help calm my nerves, but it’s not working. I need to go to bed, but the thought of going into the bathroom and touching what The Cockroach had touched makes me sick. sorry, no punch lines or insights — I JUST HATE COCKROACHES.

Thank you to Chris for not leaving me alone with that thing!

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2 Responses to “Home Alone With A Stinkin’ Roach”

  1. Shawn Says:

    Hi,

    I came in through a link on Liz’s blog (http://erizabesu.typepad.com/basic_black/) and thought I’d say hi. Glad to hear that you got rid of that nasty sucker! I’ve had pretty good luck with roaches this year so far, but not so the people who live below me. 🙂 They’ve given me enough stories for a month or so – and I gave them some sticky roachy traps which soon cured their roachy-ills.

    Anyway – have a good one!

    Shawn

  2. Brigitte Says:

    This is so funny….would love to see more of this kind of writing from you! I laughed out loud! (“Mental note,” “bad-ass cockroach”) — GREAT, Chika!


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